Learning to be Vulnerable to Achieve My Highest Good

I finally have the schedule I’ve always dreamed of.  I have all the time in the world to write anddo all the things I want to do.  So Idecided today was the day to write!  I’vespent the last week getting caught up on things around the house, and now I’mready!  I’m ready to write, ready toblog, ready to become the woman I want to be. 

I got up this morning feeling energized and ready for theday.  I had my coffee and did my morningreading and meditation.  I decided tostart one of my new books: Writing Down Your Soul – How to Activate and Listento the Extraordinary Voice Within by Janet Conner.  What a perfect way to start the first day ofmy new life as a writer!

Within the first few pages of Conner’s book, I washooked.   It’s like she previewed myreader’s-brain and highlighted all of my deepest desires.  She combined two of my favorite things –writing and spirituality.  Not only wouldI learn how to be a deeper, more thought-provoking writer, I would also accessthe craved divinity within me and grow as a divinely inspired being.

When I finished the first few chapters, I was ready!  I was eager to grab that red leather journalof mine that hasn’t been written in for a month and give it an update!  This journal had become my haven.  It’s the first journal that I’ve consistentlywritten in over the past year, and it’s where I’m most honest.  I’ve never allowed myself to write as honestlyas I do in this little red book.  Thus, I’venever really shared any of the writing that it contains.  Until now.

I turned to the next empty page and put the date at thetop.  I started enthusiastically, “So2013 is underway!”  I then started torecount the past few weeks in a boring play-by-play manner.  All of a sudden I stopped and literally wrote“Blah Blah Blah” in big letters across the page.

I was boring myself…not a good sign for this writingneophyte.

I then wrote, “I don’t want to write to simply record andrecount my life experiences.  I want towrite to find life-changing meaning and to share that with others.”

Then I burst into tears.

(My heart is beating so hard right now as I type this.)

For some reason, all these feelings of unsettledness anddiscontentment surfaced.  I have theabsolute, most perfect life right now.  Ihave all this free time to explore my spirituality and to write about myjourney.  I have this cute little home(literally, tiny) in the mountains, and a gorgeous husband who adores me.  Seriously.  What’s wrong with me??!

And this is what came out:

“I’m so excited to start all of this, so why am I in tearsright now?  Why do I still have thisindescribable feeling of discontentment? Why do I want to just burst into sobs and throw this journal across theroom?

Am I still full of fear? Am I afraid to speak my mind?  DoI just not believe in myself?  Why iswriting so painful sometimes?  SometimesI feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. Who am I to write and teach?

Oh, that’s right…because it’s my destiny.  But that means I have to make myselfvulnerable, and that’s excruciating for me.”

Then I did burstinto sobs.  (But don’t worry, the belovedjournal remained intact in my lap.)  Isat and sobbed for a little while, processing everything I was feeling.  I admitted that I don’t fully believe inmyself and that I have a lot of fear about sharing my writing.  (Same with singing – I feel exposed.)  But, as Brené Brown has been teaching me, it takes vulnerability to achieve pure joy, love,fulfillment, and more.  So in the spiritof vulnerability, I was able to pull myself together and decided to pick up mylaptop and write.

 (And my heart isstill pounding.)

I’ve always felt that I had a story to share and that doingso would help others in their lives.  SoI’m going to Dare Greatly and Live Courageously.  I’m going to share myself more than I everhave before.  I’m going to (force myselfto) be vulnerable and speak from within. I release all fear, doubt, and worry. And I allow healing to happen.

It’s time for me to be the woman I want to be.  And that means putting myself out there forjudgment, criticism, and failure.

With intentions set and a purpose to fill, I set out tocreate the life I’ve dreamed of.  I holdthe power to do anything I choose, and I choose to be happy and prosperous (and a writer).

You hold that power, too, you know.  What will you choose to be today?

Love and Light,

Kim